Finding Friendships and Community
Many adults I work with share that they have had their social circles shrink as they’ve aged. Whether it’s been moving, having children, embarking on a demanding career, or something else, they often had lost that feeling of having someone or a group to celebrate the wins with and sit alongside during the difficult times.
This guide will include my favorite approaches; however, there are hundreds of articles, books, and videos with methods that will differ from what you’ll find here. The core of my strategy is to:
(For some) Build your social skills
Show up regularly and take up space
Create positive moments
Be patient and put yourself out there
Getting Started and Barriers
Before jumping into some of these later steps, it’s helpful to determine if underdeveloped social skills or any other notable barriers are in place. If you would like to build up your social skills, there are lots of great resources out there. Therapy can be a helpful place to practice these skills too. My favorite content creator on the subject is Vinh Giang - YouTube. I think he is a spectacular speaker and teacher who might have helpful guides on working at building up some of the skills that might be holding you back. The bottom line is that everything you want to get better at will require practice. You will get there with consistent effort. I’m sure of it.
Jumping in
I recommend reflecting on what type of friends or community you would like to have. Are you looking for friends to grab a beer with? Would you love to find a group of people to play cards with every few weeks? Are you hoping to have some warm and familiar faces that you encounter in your days even if there are not regular hangouts with them? No matter the answer; you want to make sure you are setting yourself up for your version of success. If you are hoping to find some friends to play trivia with and have some great food and drinks, then joining a jogging group requires some fortune to have those individuals also be interested in trivia nights.
Brainstorm where you’d imagine meeting some of these ideal friends.
Then, show up regularly and take up space.
A key reason why many of us had a much easier time making friends as children is that we showed up regularly to things with a common purpose. Following that strategy is wonderful for building familiarity, comfort, and to give opportunities for connection. Although all of this can be applied to dating as well, that involves some nuance that I may write about in the future.
The taking up space portion is challenging for many of us. To continue with our trivia example, I know the idea of even going to that bar or restaurant alone is a big ask. Then, seeing which tables might need more players and asking if you can join is another challenge. Finally, actually participating can be overwhelming too. I know none of this is easy, but loneliness and isolation is far from easy either. In this and so many topics I’ll cover, choosing the hard path will be way more likely to create positive change and bring easier paths down the road.
Create positive moments
My favorite ways to create positive interactions with others is to be interested in what they have to say. Ask questions, laugh with them, and offer occasional sincere compliments. When giving these compliments, I encourage being genuine, notice what they put effort into, and be specific. It’s generally easiest to avoid complimenting others on their physical appearance. However, celebrating fashion choices can be a safe and connecting compliment to offer.
Here are some examples:
“You were really welcoming and made me feel at ease joining your group. Thank you.”
“You’re great a making others feel heard. I noticed when Todd spoke, others didn’t hear him, and you brought the attention to him. You seem to really care about making others feel seen.”
There is a chance that if you simply show up alone to a bar/restaurant having trivia that some kind soul will invite you to join their table. However, that chance is often quite small. I’ve worked with many people will take that first difficult step, tell themselves they tried their best, and believe that this path isn’t for them. If you haven’t put in your best effort, please don’t close the door on good opportunities.
Patience and putting yourself out there even more.
If you do this once or even three times, there is a good chance that you’ll have success. However, there is no guarantee. Keep at it. Each time there is a solid chance that you will click with one of the people or groups. Then, take that next step to exchange contact information or ask them if they want to play again the week after. If they aren’t interested, that’s disappointing but you can keep following the plan.
Community
For community, all of the general rules above apply. The primary difference is going to be increasing how visible you are in the setting of your choice. That might be saying hello and smiling at lots of patrons that walk by your trivia table. Congratulating the winners or sharing that you were impressed how they knew some answers to really tricky questions. If you see the same people regularly, bring some positivity with you, and others can know who you are, a sense of community will soon follow.
I know this all can seem like a heck of a lot. For even trying this once, you deserve to be proud of yourself. It will get easier with practice. My last recommendation is to pick something you actually enjoy. If I hated trivia, showing up each night hoping that I make some friends and build a community is a bad idea. Instead, choosing something I actually enjoy where meeting others was a nice bonus is far better.
Written by Dr. Luke Bieber on July 25, 2025