Small Talk and Big Connections
One of the most hated barriers to connection is small talk. The thought of awkwardly passing the conversational ball back and forth without sharing any meaningful information is painful for them. If you find yourself relating to many of my clients, this article is for you. First, I’ll highlight some research to support the statements I am going to make. After, we will look at ways we can think about small talk differently to feel differently about it. Then, I will share some common small talk questions and some better responses to them that will hopefully help you in shaping responses that you’d like to see your future self give in upcoming social situations.
Despite the dread that often comes when thinking of engaging in small talk. It might be just the thing to help us feel more energized and connected. Researchers Kardas, Kumar, and Epley (2022) found that individuals consistently overestimate how taxing engaging with a stranger in small talk will be and also underestimated how positive it would be for their wellbeing. My goal here is to help any readers find greater wellbeing in their lives through the use of small talk and see how they could improve how they use it to have better and more connected lives. A proven way to do this is to engage in these smaller ways with those who we cross paths with.
Research consistently shows that acquaintance level connections with coworkers, neighbors, and those who take the same bus to work are amongst the most influential for our mental health. Those with lots of “weak connections” as the research often describes them have significantly higher levels of happiness and lower levels of depression (Holt-Lunstad, 2003). One of the best ways to make these lighter social connections is small talk. We see those who have these connections often will achieve deeper friendships, romantic relationships, and even career success (Park, Blumenstock, & Macy, 2018).
If you are someone who has hated small talk and found the thought of it provoking dread within you, I invite you to reflect on what you are aiming for when you engage in small talk and what you say during it. If your goal is to get through it as quickly as possible, then I encourage you to share with the person you are speaking with that you have to go and would chat another time. If you find that this is your stance most of the time, I would like to remind you that loneliness is often the cost of comfort. If you listen to that instinct and don’t engage with those around you, it is likely harming your wellbeing.
I challenge anyone to see the people in front of them as individuals with needs, wants, and desires. When they walked outside and the sun touched the skin on their cheeks, they felt that warmth and were able to put the weight of their world down for a moment. Just like you. When they saw their energy bill increase despite reducing their usage and being as efficient as they know how, they were filled with the same unease about the coming months as you were when you saw how much strawberries were at the store. This frame of reference allows for us to dramatically level up our small talk while also leaving open invitations for the conversation to add depth. I encourage you to view small talk as an opportunity for the establishment of common ground, creating unity and connection. There is far more we have in common with those around us than we often acknowledge.
What is small talk?
I strongly believe that our definitions of small talk often set us up to have terrible experiences. Many of us think of it as safe, insincere, and a lengthy way to say hello and be polite. That definition may be based on very real experiences, but it also sets anyone up for failure. That definition leaves little room for small talk to ever go well.
I’d encourage you to use this definition instead: small talk is polite conversation about uncontroversial topics and experiences that we likely share with the other person. It provides opportunities to connect on safe topics to build a connection - no matter how small.
Common small talk statements and their upgrades
I will provide some generic improvements for commonly asked small talk questions. However, to make the most of this, I strongly encourage you to grab a pen and paper first. Ask yourself what are the small talk questions that you hate being asked the most. Write it out along with how you’d like to answer it. There are no right or wrong answers here. I’d tend to encourage shorter responses so you can practice them.
After you’ve practiced them, you will undoubtably feel more comfortable sharing what you’ve practiced. As you get more comfortable answering these questions, the better equipped you will be to have a healthy conversation and enjoy it too. If there is an event coming up, it would likely be beneficial to reflect on the types of questions you expect to be asked there. As with anything, with some sincere effort and a bit of practice, you will get much better at this.
1. Question: “How’s your day?”
Classic Response: “It’s been good. How about you?”
Improved Response: “I got to grab some ingredients for my favorite sandwich that helps me recharge after a long week. So, I’m excited for making it for dinner.”
The reason the second response is better is because it has several components the other person can connect to while also offering some sincere information. If I was talking with someone who shared that improved response, I have several directions that I could naturally steer the conversation, which makes the process flow smoothly. I could ask about the long week and what they had gone through. Maybe I’d ask about that sandwich and whether it’s the taste, the ritual of making it, or what about that experience for them is recharging. That’s something I could effortlessly connect with allowing for a greater sense of connection even if the conversation ends one or two sentences later.
2. Question: [Context: You are at a party for a mutual friend.] “What brings you here?”
Classic Response: “Oh, we went to school together. What about you?”
Improved Response: “I know Susan from grade school. She always pushed me to work hard since I knew that I wanted to stay in the advanced classes to be able to stay around such a great friend. Was she that type of influence for you?”
In adding a bit more to the standard response, there are far more jumping off points, and some things that inspire and matter to you have been highlighted.
3. Question: “What have you been up to?”
Classic Response: “You know... just the same old stuff. What about you?”
Improved Response: “I’ve been eager to work on my health after going up the stairs while carrying my son. I was completely out of breath. So, I’ve become one of the dads outside at 5am walking. I’m surprised that I actually like it. What’s something that’s been capturing your attention recently? ”
A challenge with the classic response is that by answering first we’ve set the tone for giving a non-answer. It’s often a difficult situation. We feel stressed to neatly summarize all we’ve done recently. We can’t think of anything notable and just give an answer to move along. By taking space to pause and reflect, you will likely find yourself able to give a more real answer that can be a healthier building block to a good conversation.
Another way to answer this question and many like it is to transform the question in your head to the following: “What’s something that’s captured your attention recently?” Much of the time it will be a safe substitute to some of those difficult small talk questions.
The sign that you’ve given a great answer is that you’ve left plenty of spots for the other person to jump in without feeling like they are interrogating you. If you’ve responded but shared no actual information, I encourage you to add more depth and opportunity for a shared experience.
General Principles to Keep in Mind: TLDR
Small talk is often far less painful than we expect and promotes mental health.
Aim for authenticity even when sharing on safer topics.
Quickly responding without sharing anything the other person can connect to creates awkwardness.
Always try to create various opportunities for the other person to respond.
Keep things surface level enough so that they may be more broadly relatable.
Let’s say you are talking about a rather specific topic, the Lord of the Rings. By sharing about how you related to a character and how they inspired you, there is plenty there for someone to connect to even if they’ve never heard of a hobbit before. Don’t get too lost in the details.
Writing out the questions/statements you struggle with and coming up with better responses will allow you to be less stressed and more ready to steer the conversation in a positive direction.
Lastly, by asking good questions and being a good listener, you’re setting yourself up for success. However, you can never fully carry a conversation on your own. If the other person isn’t giving you anything, there may be nothing you can do.
Citations
Holt-Lunstad, J. (2023). National Health Guidelines for Social Connection: What Is the Evidence in Support and What Might the Guidelines Say? Policy Insights from the Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 10(1), 41-50. https://doi.org/10.1177/23727322221150204 (Original work published 2023)
Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367–398.
P. S. Park, J. E. Blumenstock, M. W. Macy, The strength of long-range ties in population-scale social networks. Science 362, 1410–1413 (2018).
Written by Dr. Luke Bieber on October 24, 2025.
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