Loneliness. How to Overcome it
On this Valentine’s Day, I know that plenty of people out there are feeling especially lonely. One of the biggest challenges of loneliness is that you cannot solve it quickly. It requires that we put forth steady effort even when the loneliness is quieter and is not pushing us to make changes. The great news is that it is achievable and may be easier than most imagine. Furthermore, the solutions we are encouraged to chase often bring further pain, and the real answers seem unintuitive to many.
In this article, we will break down ways some on the impacts of isolation, the common cycle we get stuck in, practicing solitude, the false promises we’re sold, and how to build deeper social connections. I’ll have some action steps anyone can take that will likely put them on the road to overcoming their loneliness.
The Impacts of Isolation.
Chronic isolation almost always leads to depression. Once this happens, many of us simply want to fast forward our days. For some, they do this by working all the time, drinking, and spending countless hours on their phone until the pass out and do it all over again. For others, it may be sleeping the days away. Almost everyone will find themselves lacking drive to take the chance on things that might make it better down the road. Reaching out to old friends or going to a trivia night hoping to join a team often sound too demanding.
You may be surprised to learn that your environment may be pushing you to isolate, and that pulling away from others has a potentially healthy function. Many of us are dependent on isolating to regulate ourselves. The research tends to show that individuals isolate to help reduce what are labeled as high arousal emotions. Common examples of these emotions include fear, anxiety, anger, excitement, and even joy. An observation in psychology and biology is that the body seeks balance. So, if you are experiencing a lot of these intense emotions, your body may seek isolation to decrease their intensity and find balance. The research in this area tends to show that individuals seek out isolation after experiencing lots of high arousal emotional experiences.
The challenge with social media and our current ways of receiving news is that all of it designed to evoke these high arousal emotions.
This brings us to our first action point:
Be careful over-engaging in situations that evoke these high arousal emotions. By avoiding over-engaging in things that really ramp up our emotions, you may be less likely to seek isolation
When we still need to regulate ourselves and help balance out those high arousal emotions, there is a wonderful alternative. As isolations tends to mute the big emotions and leave us feeling sad and dull, solitude can help us to feel peaceful and content. Even when we’re not overwhelmed with this feelings, solitude can allow for an opportunity to gain perspective and process some of the emotional weight we’ve been carrying. We’ll cover this more below.
A Messy Cycle.
Most commonly, lonely individuals are focused on other things. The loneliness tends to hit them in waves, often at night. However, they have plenty of work and distractions, so it tends to be manageable most of the time. While they are living their lives, the sadness builds up from a lack of connection. As this sadness builds and builds, it pushes them to take action. We’re all different. In these times of stress, our bodies call for action may push us towards positive or negative steps. For some, maybe they find a local game store in their area to see if they can join a D&D group. Perhaps they decide to talk more to some people that they regularly see but rarely interact with. Others may seek ways to avoid these feelings through various drugs, sleeping, videogames, or endless scrolling.
For those on the more positive path of seeking connection, it often provokes anxiety, and a lot of it. As they experience this anxiety, their body is pulled towards isolation to help regulate itself. Unfortunately, avoiding often works temporarily but only increases the intensity of anxiety down the road. Over time, this cycle plays out over and over.
building sadness —> going into the world —> anxiety builds —> we isolate to sooth it —> rinse and repeat
Solitude. What’s the Difference?
You may expect that as a psychologist that treating loneliness often comes down to pushing people to just get out there and spend time around others. A really tricky thing with loneliness is that often people who are lonely tend to engage socially. They go out to dinner, have friends over, and talk to their coworkers. For those who are just as lonely with others as they would be if they spent time alone, solitude ends up being one of the best answers.
This section will focus on those who feel lonely even when they are around others. For those who aren’t spending time with and around others, I’ll provide some potential solutions in the next section. As I was writing this section, I was reminded of an important quote by the late Robin Williams.
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."
Many go out with a group of friends. They look around and often notice that despite their proximity to others, they aren’t really engaging and certainly not connecting with the people around them. The people around them are telling stories, laughing, and connecting. But they are a spectator, checking their phone, and on a completely different wavelength. This is often when they feel the most alone. As far as they’re concerned, they are doing the exact thing that should be fixing their problem. Instead, it’s only making it worse. So, they begin to feel defeated and hopeless. At least at home they wouldn’t have to spend the money and could be comfortable in their bed.
This brings us to solitude and an important concept in psychology. An individual’s choice is often the most important thing for their mental wellbeing. Choosing to be alone provokes a wildly different emotional reaction than being forced to be alone. Solitude is just another version of isolation. However, it’s one that you choose. It also is quite healthy. It allows for growth, rest, and fulfillment that we ideally can then share with people around us.
Our second action point:
For the time you spend alone, choose to engage in solitude for a portion of it.
By doing this, you are engaging in a solution rather than creating additional challenges to overcome later.
Let’s say you would have ended up spending 14 hours of your Sunday alone. Practicing this would look like you choosing to spend two hours of that day not thinking about other people. Instead, you would engage in something that is just for you. Perhaps that’s learning to draw, reading, going for a hike, or taking a bath. This can best be done with activities that don’t lend themselves to having company. Saying to yourself for those two hours that “this is what I am choosing to do” rather than “this is what I’m forced to do,” you will have a wildly different emotional experience.
In the spirit of me writing this on Valentine’s Day, taking yourself on a date is a perfect way to practice solitude. Make yourself a nice lunch, pack it up, bring it to a local park, and enjoy it. Then, read a book while you’re on that park bench or listen to your favorite album. The research overwhelming suggests that those who engage in solitude experience a quieter joy, fulfillment, and a sense of peace.
The False Promise of a Magic Cure.
Often, individuals will sell themselves on the idea that one person can solve their loneliness. To be fair, this idea is pushed on them from hundreds of different media sources too. If they just met the right woman or man, everything could be perfect. I’ve noticed the men I’ve worked with do this far more than the women I’ve worked with.
A major problem with this outlook is that loneliness tends to have far more to do with one’s connectedness to their friends and a sense of community rather than a deep romantic connection. It also puts loads of pressure on themselves and any potential partners. This pressure can come off as desperation and often sabotage relationships (including friendships). By first engaging in solitude, you can build a more peaceful existence that will allow friends and romantic partners to be a bonus for wellbeing as opposed to being something needed for that person to be okay.
How to Build Connections and a Social Circle?
If don’t have many people in your life or suspect that you would benefit from adding others to your social circle, this article may be helpful for you: Finding Friendships and Community.
I generally encourage my clients to add before they subtract. If they have friends that they tend to feel lonely around, I’d likely encourage them to engage in solitude and move towards healthier relationships first rather than immediately move away from relationships they are questioning. For those in toxic and/or abusive relationships, the path tends to be much difference and more complicated.
Our third and final action point:
Work to build and engage with a healthier social circle. If you tend to be in that spectator role when around others, practice getting more involved. Even if it’s just one additional time an evening that you share your observations, it will give you the chance connect more deeply.
If you are someone who finds that you sharing often pushes others further away, it may be helpful to work with a professional to help understand the barriers inhibiting your success.
Loneliness is an awful thing to experience. It tends to open the doors to depression and anxiety, which only make it more difficult to address. Therapy can often be a wonderful resource to help find success on this path. If you are located in any of the states posted below and interested in working together, don’t hesitate to reach out to see if we are a good fit to work together. Click here to get connected.
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Written by Dr. Luke Bieber on February 14, 2026.
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